I am falling in love with my son. I realized it two days ago and have finally made time to write about it. My mom moved back home a month ago, and I am adjusting to my new routines. My son is 4 months old, and will be 5 months next week and I choose not to regret the "missed time". It is how it is, and I work on focusing on the "now" time we have and practice cherishing it.
It has been a long time coming. I began bonding with my son when he first smiled at me, before that it was extremely difficult. I could not believe that the little being I carried inside me for 10 months was such a stranger to me. I felt we had no connection at all and I could not understand why. I wished for the easier days when he was inside me and I would sleep in his room in the lazyboy chair because I was so uncomfortable. I would talk to him and play music to him then. I felt so close to him.
I even have thoughts of having another child and I say I must be crazy. When I came home with my son it felt like my world had disappeared, that I had landed in some alternate reality. I felt trapped and terrified. My husband commented on when we would have the next one and I said "NO" so vehemently that his eyes popped open wide. Of course, that was way before I knew I had Postpartum depression, just days after coming home from the hospital. I just knew that I didn't ever want to go through it again.
I could say I am adapting to the lack of sleep, but no, I am just not a person who functions well without it. Even though my family doctor told me I would get better at it, it didn't come true for me. Right now we have the schedule set up so it is pretty easy for me and I am grateful. My husband will feed him at midnight, and I will feed him when he wakes up next, which is around 5:30 a.m, then put him back to bed and I sleep till 8:30am. When he starts sleeping longer, we will move the 12 a.m. feeding to 11 p.m. and then 10 p.m., until he is sleeping through the night.
And so, I try to take it one day at a time, but lately my mind has been so dizzy with thoughts and a running "Things To Do" list in my head that I forget five minutes later why I boiled the kettle. Just this week I opened a can of beans and poured them into the strainer over the kitchen floor, not the sink. I knew that that was it, I had to find a solution to the frantic pace I was trying to live at. I finally stopped and asked myself why I was doing this to myself. Was a perfectly cleaned house worth my mental health? No.
My solution was to get a large magnetic wipe off board and separate it into columns of things to do and remember and I see it everyday. This keeps the crap out of my head so I can relax and try to enjoy my day. The seasons seem to be moving faster now that the winter horror is over. (I hate the dark days and dark nights) I want to enjoy my life, not be lost in lists of chores.
I really want to know who made the rule that a new Mother's job included all of the housework and cooking on top of taking care of your child? Taking care of a child is a full time job by itself and I think it really needs to be recognized. The days my husband has my son and says its a piece of cake, I take out my imaginary baseball bat and hit a home run with his head.
Ok, my rant is over, but it won't be my last. The good stuff is that I love my son, and that is a wonderful thing to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment