Hello and Welcome to my blog. I am glad that you are here.

I am a mom who has experienced Postpartum Depression/Postpartum Mood Disorder (PMD). I am now a Postpartum Depression Awareness & Support Activist.

I entitled my blog "It Takes A Village" in reference to the African proverb that is so commonly known. I feel very strongly that we as a society have set very high standards and expectations of new mothers to take care of their children on their own, without support or help after the first week or so.

I think we have it backwards: New Mom's need respite and support whether they are well or not. We need support and encouragement, and someone to relieve us so that we can get some sleep and time to rejuvienate.

My aim with this blog is to bring awareness to the world, and support to other Moms (and possibly Dads) that are going through this experience. I am passionate about reducing stigma as it creates the barrier that keeps women silent and suffering. I want Moms to feel safe enough to share their story and get the support and help they need to get better.

I encourage you, if you believe you may be experiencing more than the "baby blues" to seek out help. You will not be judged or criticized. The goal of all list here on this blog are to support you and help you heal so that you may live the life you dreamed of with your child.

This blog is a work in progress, please check in often to see more updates and new information!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Warm Fuzzies

I am falling in love with my son. I realized it two days ago and have finally made time to write about it. My mom moved back home a month ago, and I am adjusting to my new routines. My son is 4 months old,  and will be 5 months next week and I choose not to regret the "missed time". It is how it is, and I work on focusing on the "now" time we have and practice cherishing it.

It has been a long time coming. I began bonding with my son when he first smiled at me, before that it was extremely difficult. I could not believe that the little being I carried inside me for 10 months was such a stranger to me. I felt we had no connection at all and I could not understand why. I wished for the easier days when he was inside me and I would sleep in his room in the lazyboy chair because I was so uncomfortable. I would talk to him and play music to him then. I felt so close to him.

I even have thoughts of having another child and I say I must be crazy. When I came home with my son it felt like my world had disappeared, that I had landed in some alternate reality. I felt trapped and terrified. My husband commented on when we would have the next one and I said "NO" so vehemently that his eyes popped open wide. Of course, that was way before I knew I had Postpartum depression, just days after coming home from the hospital. I just knew that I didn't ever want to go through it again.

I could say I am adapting to the lack of sleep, but no, I am just not a person who functions well without it. Even though my family doctor told me I would get better at it, it didn't come true for me. Right now we have the schedule set up so it is pretty easy for me and I am grateful. My husband will feed him at midnight, and I will feed him when he wakes up next, which is around 5:30 a.m,  then put him back to bed and I sleep till 8:30am. When he starts sleeping longer, we will move the 12 a.m. feeding to 11 p.m. and then 10 p.m., until he is sleeping through the night.

And so, I try to take it one day at a time, but lately my mind has been so dizzy with thoughts and a running "Things To Do" list in my head that I forget five minutes later why I boiled the kettle. Just this week I opened a can of beans and poured them into the strainer over the kitchen floor, not the sink. I knew that that was it, I had to find a solution to the frantic pace I was trying to live at. I finally stopped and asked myself why I was doing this to myself. Was a perfectly cleaned house worth my mental health? No.

My solution was to get a large magnetic wipe off board and separate it into columns of things to do and remember and I see it everyday. This keeps the crap out of my head so I can relax and try to enjoy my day. The seasons seem to be moving faster now that the winter horror is over. (I hate the dark days and dark nights) I want to enjoy my life, not be lost in lists of chores.

I really want to know who made the rule that a new Mother's job included all of the housework and cooking on top of taking care of your child?  Taking care of a child is a full time job by itself and I think it really needs to be recognized. The days my husband has my son and says its a piece of cake, I take out my imaginary baseball bat and hit a home run with his head.

Ok, my rant is over, but it won't be my last. The good stuff is that I love my son, and that is a wonderful thing to me.

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